The Blocks of Life

I didn't see a new home in our future. But God did. Instead, I've spent the last six years worrying if I would keep my home or have one again. Today I am surrounded by boxes. Been that way since we left Florida in the fall of 2011 to move to Texas for what we hoped would be our answer. In a way, it was. It led us back to home to PA.

Like anyone, I want my life to line up. Be orderly. Make sense. For years it did. I planned what college, when to get married and what kind of work I wanted to do. A few skips here and there but manageable. The last few years I didn't see coming. Trying to wrap my head around the idea that our lives won't always line up as building blocks is still difficult.

I find myself wondering when the next wall will tumble down.

I don't like that. So I'm working really hard to trust that God will be there to catch me when life does crash again. He did before. Maybe not in the way I wanted but he did.

Life happens. I'm learning to go with it no matter what direction it takes me. I'm throwing away the preconceived ideas that everything must work out. Because it doesn't. And for good reasons although figuring those out might not always happen here on earth.

So I'm building again. Not just my home but my life. I'm learning to take what comes and be happy about it. Not saying it's an easy process but it's what's in front of me today.

What kind of building is God doing in your life?

It's been so long. Seven months since I've opened this page. A part of me wants so badly to start blogging again and the other part of me fights against it--warning me how little time I will have if I do.

But there's so much to tell. So many ways God is working in my life. I don't want to share it only in the confines of my journal or the little I do on Facebook.

It's been so long. Six years this August since my life changed and I began to believe in Satan's lies that only bad will happen anymore and that I should always be afraid.

I'm not sure where to begin. Again.

A new home? Writing news? Friendships?

I did say I would write again when I had writing news to share. I finished my last book and have started the querying stage. And of course, I've started a new one--finally realizing what genre I need to write in. That's not what you expected by now, I'm sure.  That day is coming. It has to as I haven't given up.

Life is full of changes. Seems like the good ones are starting to come more than the bad ones lately. When I stand back and see how God has kept me in his hand all these years, I am amazed. And that's what I want to share.

When I do, I also want to share this: I have become a lukewarm Christian and I don't like it anymore. Change me Lord.

A Change

This morning I received an email from a stranger who had read about my journey to Texas after being unemployed for so many years. She applauded me for sharing and encouraging her. 

This email came right on the tail of my decision to stop blogging. Most of you who read my posts know I've been going back and forth with continuing or not. I started this blog right before Curt lost his job and I've been writing about our efforts to survive ever since. It wasn't the intended purpose but it's where my life went. 

We still have a huge mountain in front of us--making our business successful--building a home--dealing with the reason we left PA--the cold. 

But now that I've come full circle and am back home with friends and family, I really feel the need to focus on what I started to do years ago. Write a good novel. 

I know, I've written seven already. None of them are good. That's what's wrong. I am much busier here with life and so I want to spend more time trying to write that "good enough" novel.

So here's my plan. I'm not going to blog again until I can come on here and give you some good news about my writing career.  Who knows if Blogger will even exist by then but that's the plan today.  

It feels good to make a decision like this. 

Please stay in touch with me on Facebook. It's my second home. And thanks for the wonderful following all these six plus years!

Dreaming

So I'm back where I wanted to live for many years.

Unfortunately my husband still misses Florida and our home there and his former career. He's not even sure if he can visit the area again. I don't blame him. Living in Florida was his dream.

But dreams die even when we do everything we can to prevent it.

His comments make me wonder if we can ever let go of some of the hardships we go through. I know we are forever changed. We think differently now. We spend differently. We choose our friendships differently.

I'm hoping new dreams will appear--ones we'll grab onto and praise God for giving us.

Already we're building a new home. I think I'll like it better than all the rest. We're starting our business back up and even though it might not be what we want to do it's a means to an end.

Dreams take time to create and grow. I have to believe that God brought us back here because He sees new ones for us.

What's really important is having dreams. When you wake up and have none, what do you have? I've had my writing dreams for years. Now I'm waiting on my life dreams to take shape.

It isn't easy starting over. You'll probably see me write those words now and then but I like to think I'm opening the first page to a new book. Anything is possible.

yeah, I'm dreaming already.

Climbing

It's a slow climb back.

Once you've let yourself get away from writing, that is. I start, I stop. I tell friends I'm working on a book and then wonder if I really am if I open my computer only once or twice a week.

Here's my problem. I'm rereading my WIP so I can get back into my character's head. I need to feel her life again and understand how she's going to act when I throw some conflict her way. I want to make sure she doesn't get all whiny or too angry where I won't like her any more or act like a sap and make me embarrassed for her. I have to like her. I have to respect her. I want to enjoy her journey into understanding why her life has turned out the way it did and discover God's plans for her.

My journey back into finishing what I started isn't easy. I haven't set a time frame but I hope by spring I have finished another book to be sent out to agents and publishers.

After all, it's what we do, isn't it? As much as I whine or get angry or act like a sap or do embarrassing things--I'll continue to write.  It's God's plan for my life right now.

Is there an area in your life you're having a hard time pushing forward?

Are you living your life?

My best friend's uncle died Friday morning. When my husband called to tell me when the viewing would be,  I pushed aside all our plans. Last night we stood in line to offer condolences to a widow we've never met. But our never meeting didn't mean we hadn't heard her story--how she'd brought her husband home to die, refusing to put him in a nursing home. I knew all about her.

That's how it is being back home in this small town. Everyone knows your story.

And that's okay.

I went into the bank with a deposit last week. The teller looked at my deposit slip and said, "Curt's supposed to be living in Florida." I soon discovered she'd graduated with my husband and he'd done work on her home.

It's a small town.

I used to think I wanted to be anonymous. I wanted to do what I wanted when I wanted without anyone  knowing.

After twelve years of living anonymously, I realize how foolish my desires were. I love walking down the street and running into someone who knows me. I love waving at my new neighbor who offered to let us store our lawn mower in her shed. I really enjoy the unexpected pleasure of meeting a long lost friend in front of the local Wal Mart and sharing prayer requests.

But most of all, I love how the people here care about each other. We arrived at the funeral home at 5PM, the time it started. Already cars filled the parking lot and the line filed out the door. I couldn't help but remember the last funeral we attended in 2005 for my brother-in-law. We shook hands and hugged for hours.

And we left this?

I am no longer standing on the sidelines of life. Today I can say I'm living it again. Are you?

How about you?

I go back and forth.

Should I keep blogging or not?

I just read an article by an agent that said most fiction publishing houses still expect us to have an online presence. I'm sure Facebook is not enough.

I'm also struggling with being a fiction writer or not.

After seven books, some close bites, but no sales yet, I wonder if I will ever get the technique or story down. Yes, I've read countless testimonies from those authors who waited years and years. Those stories always encourage me to pull up my WIP and keep on.

But is there a moment when a writer needs to make a decision? Do I write and try forever or call it a day and go back to non-fiction? Do you think it depends on how driven you are?

I'm not ready to quit blogging or writing my novels yet. Just letting you know what's running through my head lately.

It's that kind of day in PA.

And one more thing. Did I mention how happy I am again? I know. I've already told you but since God is so good, I think it's worth repeating a few times.

Putting the Pieces Together

Rejection is on my mind this morning. What writer doesn’t think about it from time to time? I also have some recent acceptances dwelling there but it is those rejections that weigh heaviest.

Early on I recognized that if I was to write, I would have to accept that what I wrote wouldn’t please every agent or every publishing house. That understanding goes hand and hand.

Getting a rejection on a Monday morning still isn’t easy. My biggest reason why I have been rejected in fiction? I don’t follow the formula.

It’s my own fault. If I choose to write romance—I must follow a formula.

The trouble with that request is I don’t like formula books.

Which brings me to my second biggest thought about writing lately—I need to decide what I’m going to write and stick to it. Will it be romance or women’s fiction and when I decide, if I want to be published, I have to follow the rules.

I think I’ve finally gotten on the right road for my life, at least. It’s taken twelve years. Living back in PA won’t be easy by any means but it fits me well. All the missing pieces are coming together.

Now to find that in my writing too.

What part of writing are you finding the most difficult to overcome now?

Never Say Never

I never thought I’d be happy to see a burn can again, but I was. When my husband dragged it home (compliments of a friend) and we burned our first batch of garbage, I felt my heart connect to this town I call home again.

I can’t begin to write how I feel now. I walk into Thomas’s Grocery store and find myself halting in the frozen section—seeing ghosts of my younger self strolling through the aisle with my two-year old daughter in the cart begging for ice cream.

Tonight we went to dinner with old friends at a restaurant we used to frequent after dropping our kids off at the camp up the road. I glanced over at a nearby gas station and saw myself buying last minute snacks for my daughter to hold her over for the week.

“Remember the pie our husbands would bring us home after taking the kids?” Kelly reminded me as we entered the building.

I hadn’t.

But now I did.

So many memories of another time—another life.

We sat in the moonlight on a pontoon boat the other night with friends we hadn’t seen in years. I was sure how we would be together but our conversation picked up as though we’d been together the day before.

I have relationships again.

God is teaching me so many lessons right now.

Never say never.

Accept those around you.

Be grateful for what you left.

I can’t wait for tomorrow. 

The Next Chapter

It's been a long time since I've written. A whole summer has passed--a summer of planning and waiting. Today, we begin our next chapter in life. After two trucks are filled to the roof with our possessions, we start the four day trek home tomorrow.

Home.I love the sound of that word. You see, home for me has always been where my family and friends lived--not the ten years in Florida or this past year in Texas.

But for some reason, God wasn't ready to give us the green light to go back. We weren't ready. We had to spend this final year in Texas to take a deeper look at our life and our priorities.

It's come down to this--life is short--we want to spend it with people we love. Yes, despite the awful weather ahead of us.

We enjoyed wonderful times in PA.We raised our daughter there, buried three pets and owned two businesses. Memories flood us whenever we returned.

So we are starting over. Starting a business up again. Building a house to call home. Trusting God with all the details.

Life is never easy. But at least I will be living it again.